As a writer, there is always a constant fear. Of failing, or the strange thought that one day I’ll wake up and the ability will be gone. I’ve always had the fear that somehow my creative thoughts would one day ‘run out.’ I was nervous starting this blog because of that very thought.
For some reason, my anxiety brain decided that I can only put all my mental focus on one novel. And that writing things for a blog would take away that focus.
It was irrational. I know that now after a month of posting. The ability to write, the drive to be inspired, isn’t a finite resource. Yes, writing takes a certain amount of concentration, but after this long, it’s become second nature. It’s become easy in the way that I find myself able to sit down and begin writing immediately. Even pop open my laptop during a commercial and type a line or two. In the past, I had to ‘prepare’ myself. I had to block out everything and force everything I was into pumping out lines of words.
Not anymore. And that has helped me understand my writing ability isn’t going anywhere.
But there is a fear left.
Thanks to my support network, I’ve reached a certain point. I’ve had a tumultuous past, and its left some serious scars.
So, of course, sometimes the thought enters my brain, am I a good writer because of tragedy? To be creative, does a writer need to be tortured and draw from those experiences? So, logically and illogically, my brain decides–
What if therapy erases my writing? Or my drive? Or my inspirational well?
The short answer is…
Of course not. I accept I need therapy, I welcome it in the near future. But, my past experiences weren’t the reason I started writing, so why would getting mental healthy affect it?
Yes that fear will always tickle the back of my mind, the thought that getting professional help will somehow diminish what I’ve worked hard to be decent at. Yet I don’t see myself making excuses just because of that fear.
My ability to write has come from hard work. And, if there’s anything I learned from a tough childhood, I’m always willing to work hard to accomplish my goals.
I’ve never had a goal more important than simply to be a writer. Whether I’ve reached that or not is another post entirely. But I like to think that writing is a part of my personality. Therapy doesn’t rid me someone of their personality. It allows someone to be their true self.
I’m a writer before and after therapy, no matter the outcome. This I have come to accept. It might be scary, and it will be tough. My past doesn’t dictate my writing ability.
No, I figured that part out on my own. And even before therapy, I’ve never been happier.